positives and negatives.

...this is so not a good way to start off my birthday week. this spring break was majorly wack. ive been denied to every college i could even see myself going to. and now mike is talking about some bull crap about how he loves me but he doesn't want a relationship but at the same time he wants to be with me. like ugggggh. here i go again about to get my heartbroken. i knew i shouldn't have got myself in a serious relationship cuz i knew this is how it would feel. hes driving me nuts right now. i swear...it sounds like someone wants to have freedom with other females and shit again, but he still wants the benefits of having me. well sorry dude u can only have one or the other. cant have me if were not in a relationship. but lemmie stop talking about his ass because all its doing is making me more and more pissed off and ill say somethings i dont need to sayy.

next week ill probably be finding out if ive been accepted to Scripps College or not. last night i had the most depressing dream. like just everything about what their acceptance letters would look like and what the denial letter would look like. my self esteem is so low right now. im insecure, im emotional, constantly sad or in a bad mood, i find it hard to smile now because hardly anything is making me happy, not even Michael. life is so depressing right now, i feel like im just surrounded by this fog, i have nothing else that im looking forward to anymore. just the thought of me NOT getting into Scripps is eating up all my energy. i feel like a fxcking zombie. i dont need this, i tried really hard to get where i am now, and since pretty much every UC has denied me ive given up all hope for any other college. gosh, now its time to hear from my first choice school which is just perfect for me. its so perfect, everything reminds me of that damn school. DAMN THAT SCHOOL! :(

i hope next week things get better, and i mean way better, like an acceptance letter from somewhere or something. im about to be 17 but it still doesnt feel like it. all this depressing crap is hovering over me and i cant even see the sun shining above me. (meaning that all the bad stuff is overshadowing the positive in my life)

but maybe if i start talking about all the good stuff ill feel a little better.
-i got my license earlier this week.
-im gonna be 17 in 6 days.
-my mom is the best mom ever, shes always there for me.
-the sun has been shining lately.
-i got accepted to 3 good CSUs.
-i have really great friends.
-my family is in a better situation than we were 5months ago.
-im way more mature than u used to be.

Love,
nicole